Is anybody there!?

Wowzer...it's been a while!  I'm so sorry for my absence.  No real excuse, life has gone on and on and on....just flashing before my eyes.  Will anyone see this?  Who knows, I would be so surprised if anyone takes the time to read from someone who has neglected keeping in touch for so long.  Recently I have been thinking of some of the blogs that I liked to follow in their projects and as seasons are getting ready to change from summer to fall then to winter (which I am oh so ready for!) I have really been wanting to see what everyone is doing for the upcoming seasons!  So here I am, I need to get plugged back in! 

Interested in an update on whats going on?  Well a lot....last you heard from me I was recovering from the traumatic experience of having to give an 11 month old CPR.  She is doing great and as far as that goes I would say I am as well.  I have caught myself thinking about it more and more recently although I'm not completely sure why.  I still panic whenever a child cough or makes any odd noises when eating or something....made a fool of myself a few times in public w/ my own son.  I'm a tad crazy!  Anyways, lately I have been thinking a lot about it.  How it all went down, how it played out well but how it could have so easily not!  Anyways....Of course I think about it but really all is as well as I could expect.

Anyways after my son turned 2 in April I was very frustrated w/ the fact that I hadn't lost all of my weight from my pregnancy so I joined weight watchers.  In 3 months I lost 22lbs!!!  Go me!  So proud of myself, not only did I lose the rest of my baby weight but I got down 10lbs less than I weighed when I got pregnant w/ my son!  I toned up real nice and felt hot again, it had been a while since I really felt good about myself.  THEN...I found out that............... I'm pregnant.....  Yep you read that right.  When my son turned 2 I dropped the birth control despite a lot of emotional stuff.  As I've stated before I have endometriosis so we were advised that if we planned to have anymore kids to try w/ in 2-3 years after my son was born.  So as agreed I dropped the birth control when my son turned 2.  I was sure that since it took a year and a half to get pregnant w/ my son that I had time so it would be fine.  WELL....not so much. A little over 3 months after dropping the birth control I got pregnant.  SO wasn't expecting, nor was I prepared for that positive pregnancy test.  Hubby was super excited though.  Yeah you probably hear that.... I wasn't excited.  All I could think about was all the stuff we now needed to do; buy a van, build an addition.....  How is my 2 year old going to react to another baby?  He is my world and the only little one in my family....he is our prince and I personally don't care for that to change.  How am I going to deal w/ the dynamic of my little family changing from a party of 3 to a party of 4?  Scared to death of how I'm going to be able to handle two kiddos.  My husband is still working 2nd shift and altho we hope that after baby is born that he might be able to get on 1st; but while he is on 2nd I have a lot of pressure on me as more of a single parent which is hard enough w/ just my toddler. 

Anywho....I haven't felt very connected to this baby...currently I'm a little over 14 weeks.  Officially in my second trimester and although I know I would be devestated if something happened to the baby I just don't feel too ready for it either.  Ready or not!!!!!  So any kind words or advice are very welcome.  Maybe there might even be someone out there that understands?  I have almost felt depressed which is upsetting.  Morning sickness has been awful and exhaustion is 24/7....these aspects don't make it any easier to connect w/ baby!  I'm hoping that when I start feeling the baby it will help and thinking when I find out the gender maybe that will help me connect w/ the baby as well.  The dr is planning for our gender reveal to be Oct 15 but we found a place that does Gender Reveal Ultra Sounds recreationally and knowing that I need this we have decided to pay the extra money to make it happen so we are going to find out Sept 21.  We all want me to be more happy/excited about a new baby.
Gender preferrence.... unfortunately I kind of do which means there is a 50% chance that I'm setting myself up for disappoinment.  I just feel that if it's a girl I'll be able to separate my feelings between my kids better.  Gregory will still get to be my one and only precious baby boy and then this baby will get to be my precioud baby girl.  Where if it's a boy how do I separate those feelings?  I fear that I'll have a favorite which will most likely be Gregory b/c we have such a strong bond.  It's been he and I against the world for over 2 years now.  Guess I don't get to decide these things....I just keep trying to tell myself that if it's a boy then Gregory will have a close brother to grow up w/.  Maybe grasping at straws.  Just hoping something huge happens to change these emotions! 

So if anyone reads this thanks.... I'm hoping to be back in blogland regularly.  I haven't done a lot in craft projects as I've kept pretty busy and will only get busier as things come closer to the arrival of the baby but I'm hoping to share things w/ you all again and maybe some projects if I can get the motivation.  Maybe I'll find my motivation in you all! 

Inspired by this roller coaster called life